Fire Country, I'm heartbroken. I'm distressed. I'm crushed. I'm angry. What could bring on such emotions? A sub sandwich place located in Kansas City is offering free subs every time the Fire lose. Wait, I'm sorry I should have warned you to hold off on reading this until after your coffee, following your morning smoke, or told you to ignore this until later in the day if you left your humble abode in any kind of heightened sense of frustration. Nothing boils my blood like people in Kansas City enjoying a deep discount on freshly baked bread, their choice of meats, cheeses, AND a wide variety of toppings. If they allowed you to select shark, this would certainly be the audacity of tope. At times of trouble like this, I like to sit down with my good friend Bob Harbor, but first a little more background on Sporting KC's devious ways.The MLS team in Kansas City has set up a website for the unprovoked act of dishonor - http://www.sportingkc.com/firehouse. Firehouse is the sandwich shop sponsoring this brazen attempt. Those bastards. Firehouse was founded by two brothers who are former firefighters. In 2005, they set up a foundation that helps promote fire safety and supports firefighters in local communities. Sporting KC really knows how to team up with individuals that set off rage among Chicagoans, don't they? Even KC Cauldron is getting into the act of inciting some Fire anger, just look at this tweet Sporting KC marked on their website in the 'Best of'.
@KCCauldron: New York steamer much better than cleveland steamer. Thanks @FirehouseSubs @SportingKC
The Cauldron sure got my goat there (everyone knows a Cleveland Steamer is better!) so I went to the Billy Goat Tavern to meet up with good friend Bob Harbor in an attempt to clear my mind.
(After descending down the stairs and making it below Chicago's famous Michigan Avenue, I swung open the big red door. The familiar sights, sounds, and smells took over. I joined my friend at the bar for a Billy Goat brew.)
Tweed: You hear about these free subs they are giving away every time the Fire lose?
Bob: Free subs for the Fire losing? That's a crummy promotion to have in Chicago.
Tweed: Well it's in Kansas City.
Bob: KC? What the hell do they care?
Tweed: I guess a sleeper cell of hate was activated after 13 years... You go into Firehouse Subs the day after a Fire loss and say "Put out the Fire" when you are ordering. You get a free sub with the purchase of chips and a drink.
Bob: That don't sound very ‘free'.
Tweed: What do you mean? You don't have to pay for the sandwich.
Bob: They can keep their high fructose corn syrup liquid and oil laced processed potatoes, I just like sandwiches.
Tweed: Oh... well I guess if it were you, you would get a $2.50 sandwich for every Fire loss.
Bob: Some consolation prize.
Tweed: Kind of like living in Kansas City... Anyway, we need to come up with positive promos for when Kansas City wins. We need to kill them with kindness. I'll go first. For every goal Sporting KC scores, you get $1 off fish and chips at the Globe Pub. It could be a Monday special. Section 8 is having ‘social hours' there every Monday anyway.
Bob: Yeah, but you gotta say ‘Wiz on my fish'.
Tweed: That's terrible.
Bob: No, it's like their promo.
Tweed: Fine, fine. Okay, then Small Bar Fullerton. BTW- you going to the watch party this Thursday, right? Anyway, how about $2 off Victory Hop Devil IPA on the day after Sporting Kansas City wins?
Bob: Yeah, but you gotta say ‘Wizard spice in my brew'.
Tweed: Okay, that's better.
Bob: I got one. Landmark Century Cinema. How about you get a coupon for $2 off your next ticket if yell ‘bravo', ‘bravo', ‘bravo!' at the end of the recently released ‘Win, Win'.
Tweed: Oh, that's good. We celebrate Sporting KC's win-win, right? That's the tie-in?
Bob: No, the promotion happens because Landmark Theatres thinks Win, Win will be out for 3-6 weeks just like Omar Bravo.
Tweed: That will just make them angry. We aren't real rivals here. We are turning the other cheek.
Bob: Yeah, but it is more fun to turn the other cheek by moving it back and forth as the slapper. As long as we still don't take them seriously, it's okay.
Tweed: You might be on to something here....
Bob: Of course I am, have I ever steered you wrong?
Tweed: I'm listening....
Bob: A promotion with Ace Hardware. For those long wooden things you sit on.
Bob: That's the word. 55% off.
Bob: Jesus not only said ‘turn the other cheek', he also said ‘Give to God what is God's and give to Julio Cesar Santos Correa what is Julio Cesar Santos Correa's'. In this case a spot on the bench.
Tweed: I'm not sure those were Jesus' exact words but let's stick with Biblical stuff. What else you got?
Bob: Feed the hungry.
Tweed: We aren't giving any of our trophies to New York Red Bulls.
Bob: Instruct the uniformed.
Tweed: I talked to Seattle fans enough last week.
Bob: Bury the dead.
Tweed: Surprisingly enough, Columbus is not dead just yet but I have the shovel a ready.
Bob: Comfort the afflicted.
Tweed:Yeah, but who is more afflicted Toronto or Chivas USA?
Bob: Clothe the naked.
Tweed: Posh Spice can wear whatever she wants to the game on Sunday.
Bob: Shelter the homeless
Tweed: Ah, back to Kansas City. What charity can we donate to every time Kansas City scores a goal?
Tweed: Well in addition to the sandwich promo, Sporting KC is donating $500 to Livestrong for every goal that is scored against the Fire this year.
Bob: I did not know that, but I believe it is pronounced LIVESTRONG. Either way, how is donating to charity a bad thing? I'm suppose to get angry over this? I'm angry because I don't get it.
Tweed: Maybe that's their angle....
Bob: It's the only way it would make sense. Hey, maybe the Chicago Fire could donate $500 to Urban Initiatives for every goal that is scored against Kansas City?
Tweed: Based on how things are going for our Sporting friends, I'm not sure the front office has that kind of dough to throw around. Plus that is directly engaging with them. We have to stick to the positive little promotions.
Bob: I got it. The Abbey Pub could give you a buy one get one free deal on glasses of red wine during the monthly Section 8 board meeting. Every first Thursday of the month this year, there's buy one get one free glass of wine.
Tweed: I'd take advantage of that but I'm afraid I don't see the connection.
Bob: It's obvious that Jimmy Nielsen made a commitment as strong as a nun's commitment to an abbey that he will not have a shutout all year long.
Tweed: Come on, how is that positive for Sporting KC?
Bob: I'm positive that he actually committed to doing that.
Tweed: I give up. It is more fun to do things your way. I'm going to name a venue. We'll see if you can come up with something. Husaria sometimes has watch parties at Second Time Around.
Bob: 85 cents off every item because it would take a second life for Chad Ochocinco to come around as a decent soccer player.
Tweed: I like this little place on Diversey called 'Miss Asia Cuisine'.
Bob: Any place with 'miss' in the title needs a Kei Kamara special of some kind.
Tweed: What about the Brown Sack?
Bob: Sing a ‘Sapong' for your Brown Sack dinner because their C.J. will never be as good as ours?
Tweed: All right, clearly we are losing steam here. Any last ideas?
Bob: How about a promotion at Nite Cap?
Tweed: That sleazy late hours bar on Irving Park?
Bob: Yeah, a friend of mine went there two weekends ago. They should name a Sporting KC special after him.
Tweed: I'll need some convincing.
Bob: Well, as you said it's a late hours place. It was 15 minutes until closing time and these three pretty girls are in the corner. My buddy from Vancouver goes over there and he -
Tweed: Hey now! This is a family website.
Bob: No, you'll never believe what he did in 15 minutes. It was improbable. It happened with all three girls in just 15 minutes.
Tweed: I'm guessing it was something along the lines of 'love thy neighbor' and we'll leave it at that. I gotta get going but great chatting and go Fire.