I was lucky last night. I got to listen to Dan Kelly and Evan Whitfield call a Chicago Fire MLS Regular season match because I live in Chicago and my cable provider carries NBC 5 Chicago Nonstop. Those of you who didn’t were forced to listen to the New England Revolution broadcast consisting of Brad Feldman (the Revolution’s only play-by-play guy in their history who isn’t Adrian Healey and Derek Rae) and former Revs Goalkeeper and UVA assistant coach Jeff Causey. According to everyone involved, it was awful. So awful, I just had to see (or hear) for myself. What follows are my thoughts, feelings, and observations, heavily edited, as to be fit for human consumption. I was warned before watching it. And you are now warned before reading it. Enjoy it after the jump. And by enjoy, I mean enjoy as if you're watching a car accident.
--Start of The Game----
1- Who is Arna Fredrick? And that was just 18 seconds into the game. This is going to be a fun night of Commentator bashing
3- JUST BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEED
6- The penalty... BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Besides the fact that they were blatantly wrong about the nature of the tackle, I looked it up after the match, and the Revs own fans thought it was a penalty.
13 minutes in, we get our first canned statistical commentary of the night. Something about something- I tried to tune them out. If there's one thing worse than being wrong, it's canned commentary.
18- They called him Fredrick. AGAIN!
19- "The Germany International" We are in for a lot of geographical grammar stupidity aren't we?
21- What is a shot-cross option?
20- They go to the in game interview, and Jay Heaps says Chris Rolfe dived.... yeah.
22- Grammar Police alert "I am and are a coach." Monty Python called, they want their bit back.
22- "Mixer" makes its first appearance of the night. It's as awkward as it sounds.
Nothing remotely comment worthy for a whole 13 minutes. A record.
35- He called a through pass a slide rule pass.... there are no words.
37- That is the 4th time they've mentioned Sherjill is from Beerschot. What are they, 10?
39- He said shot-cross option again
43- I'm surprised they didn't bring up Sherjill's former club as they were talking about him again.
Halftime thought. When they're not spouting nonsense, they sure as heck are boring
I'm skipping the halftime report because I'd probably kill myself if I had to listen to it.
--Start of the Second Half---
45- You’ve had Benny Feilhaber all year, and you get a "That’s what he can bring", like he’s a new guy.
47- That’s the third time Alvaro Fernandez has been mentioned as being a new player. Either the people watching already know that, or they don’t care.
48- Sherjill Donald makes a good play to win a throw. Unfortunately, something must have happened to Sherjill MacDonald. EVERYBODY PANIC!
49- That was an absolutely incomprehensible bit on keep away possession.
51- Playoffs? Are you kidding? Playoffs? Seriously? AJ Soares looked like he wanted to punch the interviewer in the mouth for asking about that. Also, the editing was atrocious on that interview clip. They kept the question being asked - so we know that it was a set up. AND there was no soft fade in back to live action. An atrocious bit of production work.
56- "Mixer" what does that even mean? Stop calling the corner kick scrum a mixer. There are no professors or smart, hot chicks in the box on a corner kick.
60- If you’re going to make a point on Logan Pause’s injury, fine. But instead, he says what happened, brings up Bakary Soumare, and lets the thought die in the middle of a sentence. *Facepalm* Just don’t bring it up.
60- Let’s overlook the monotone of the Patrick Nyarko spin move. He said "Ganee-an"... Not Ghanaian, "Ganee-an"
61- In the ensuing corner, more Fredrick. Can someone tell me who Fredrick is?
63- This play by play guy is blind. This has to be the only explanation.
65- Hey, they are card mongering! Also MORE Penalty confusion. Your own fans knew it was a penalty. Are you just that stupid?
67- Ben and Jerry. ICE CREAM PUNS!? If this wasn’t going to be published…..
69- Ryan Guy gets booked. They complain that Daniel Paladini didn’t a minute earlier AFTER they acknowledge that it was a fair yellow.
70- Talking about the Fire wasting time on set pieces when the ref is moving the wall… ON A DIRECT FREE KICK! THEY CAN"T GO UNTIL THE WHISTLE BLOWS YOU IDIOT!
71- Fredrich… closer.
71- He couldn’t let the sarcasm stay, could he? On the Dominic Oduro sub, "This is just what the Revolution need". Clearly a sarcastic statement. And that’s the one you question?
77- "You like to say Anibaba, don’t you?" " I like to say it with relish. And babba. And Hummus." What the…
79- Now cutting a promo on Michael Videira. If he’s everything they said he was, he’d be a starter for Manchester City. Also, "All America".
82- More Videira talk. It is as awful as it sounds.
84- MORE MICHAEL VIDEIRA for at least another minute and a half.
87- Fernando Cardenas wins man of the match. He and Guy were really the only decent players for the Revs.
88- They show a replay of the tackle. Again. It’s a clear penalty. AJ doesn’t touch the ball. He clearly gets Rolfe’s foot. It is a penalty. They say the opposite.
88- "Did Soares make a clean tackle?" "Yes." There are no words.
91- This loose ball meme is worse than the penalty nonsense in my opinion. All the "loose balls" are the fire making passes.
92- Robbie Mustoe gets name dropped, says it was a penalty- and STILL they think it wasn’t a penalty.
93- ARE-KNEE Friedrich? They get his last name right, finally. But ARE-KNEE?
Full Time- More Penalty nonsense.
I can't even write a fitting closing paragraph. My mind is numb from listening to these guys for 90 minutes.