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Marry/Boff/Kill: Hunter Jumper

Go ahead and click 'kill,' if spine-stomping Bambi is your thing

Hunter Jumper will doubtless return for 2014 - question is, will he get more minutes?
Hunter Jumper will doubtless return for 2014 - question is, will he get more minutes?

"Marry/F**k/Kill" is a game of the Internet age, and the rules are simple: name a group of three people ("Iron Man and Thor and Captain America," "Blanche, Rose or Dorothy"), and ask the crowd to choose one fate for each of them - one to partner with for good, one explored for a connection but not kept, and one cast off into the outer darkness. Fans of 30 Rock will recognize this game in its safe-for-primetime version, Marry/Boff/Kill, which name we're borrowing because we do not want SB Nation getting angry emails.

Here at Hot Time, we're going to use the game to talk about players - specifically Chicago Fire players, naturally. We're going to use it as a way to talk about the roster. It works like this: ‘Marry' indicates a willingness to keep the player regardless of cap issues or any other considerations; ‘Boff' (i.e., ‘F**k) means that we're, uhh, f**king the player over, asking for modifications to their contract or running them through the Re-Entry Draft process - we're interested but not on these terms; and ‘Kill' means terminating the player's contact with CF97.

We're going to present some kind of argument for each outcome, and let the community have their say. I mean, why not? It's something like three months until the first preseason friendly. In case you didn't get with the action Monday, we started the series with Logan Pause and Gonzalo Segares, while Chris Rolfe and Joel Lindpere got the treatment yesterday. Earlier today, we featured el Cacha, Egidio Arevalo Rios. This afternoon, it's Hunter Jumper.

Hunter Jumper, #3, 24 years old

2013: 2 appearances, both starts; 180 minutes, 1 goal, 1 assist

Career: 7 appearances (2 starts); 228 minutes, 1 goal, 1 assist

$35,125, $35,125 guaranteed

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Hunter Jumper: Absolutely unf**kable.

Wait, no - no no no. That's not what I meant. I meant, unboffable. In Marry/Boff/Kill terms. Not in, y'know, real terms. Because, ehh, ‘league minimum.'

The case for ‘Marry'

What's not to like? The affable Texan got into two games, played the full 90 in each. He got the goal in that win against Kansas City, one of our rare clean sheets in 2013. He's funny on social media. And, frankly, it's impossible to imagine a professional athlete in a first-tier league making less than Hunter does right now.

The case for ‘Boff'

There is no case for Boffing Hunter Jumper. I apologize to Mr. Jumper that, according to the byzantine rules of this contest, this is true, but truth doesn't care a bit for one's awesomeness. I'm sorry, Hunter, but we won't boff you, because MLS is already doing it for us.

The case for ‘Kill'

Imagine you're a person who likes killing puppies - I'm not saying you are, mind; just asking you to imagine you are that kind of person. Don't you find it just a little bit tempting to select ‘Kill' on the Hunter Jumper Marry/Boff/Kill poll? Doesn't it just call out to you? If killing puppies is your thing, click away. Nobody but you and the NSA will be the wiser.

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