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HATEWATCH FINAL: How to watch MLS Cup 2015 like a proper hater

This year's MLS Cup features two of the most dynamic and tactically compelling squads in the league, and should have a rollicking atmosphere ... yeah, f**k those motherf**kers

Step 1: A group environment

Get yourself somewhere public with like-minded individuals - friends, if you have them; acquaintances, if not. Choose your site by preferring a density of disillusionment and grievance. If, for some reason, you can arrange to hatewatch MLS Cup at the closed-down UAW office in Flint, Michigan with a group of disenfranchized shop stewards, for example, please do so. Similar levels of outrage are likely available at our very own Section 8 Hatewatch.

Get involved pre-game - arrange to stream mlssoccer.com's pregame show somehow. Its mixture of fumbling hot-takes and rudimentary tactical breakdown - as well as its hilariously slipshod production - will provide plenty of warm-up material for burgeoning Tom Servos and Crows.

Step 2: Chemical enhancements are crucial

No true Hatewatch can go forward without mass intoxication. It takes a massively degraded superego and an impressively enhanced id to shout "WIL TRAPP, YOU F**KING PIECE OF SH*T" at the screen - as, of course, Wil Trapp is not a lump of poo, and is in fact an absolutely lovely footballer and an inspirational American success story - but that is the task before you today. You'll need help; most turn to alcohol.

Step 3: Actually tune in

Sometimes, over-involvement in Step 2 can get in the way of Step 3. DO NOT FORGET TO TUNE IN, you slobbering, drunken fools. You'll wind up hatewatching the NFL, which is just gilding the lily at this point.

Here's the schedule:

MLS Cup Final, Columbus v. Portland, 4 p.m. EDT
ESPN, UniMás
Step 4: Share the best stuff around

Someone in the bar says something hilarious - post it here, or on whatever social thng is your current favorite. #mlshatewatch, if you'd like. Snapchat? I won't be there, but your army of 14-year-old female followers will doubtless enjoy your anti-Diego Valeri hot take.