You Suck, Philadelphia: a pre-Open Cup semi-finals mood-setter

Before we truly begin what I hope will be a productive hatefest, I'd like to congratulate the Sons of Ben for essentially willing their MLS team into existence. Even good Dr. Frankenstein had to have moments of real pride - creating things is hard work, and even when the result is a horrifying homunculus, how many have made such as this? Well done, heirs to Franklin.

We cannot blame you for your city, surely. It would be such a simple thing to put up a highlight reel of hilarious

albeit slightly sociopathic

examples of Philadelphia fan behavior in other sports.

But we're not cheap-shot artists like that in Chicago. We keep it F--KING CLASSY. Right, everyone? We are always classy. (Imagine a general consensus that yes, we are really extraordinarily f--king classy.) So let's talk about history.

No, you cheesesteak-addled fools. That Cheez Whiz - you gotta get off the stuff. But, while we're here, I'd like to congratulate Philadelphia for being culturally relevant as recently as 1835. Fantastic!

Which is why it's a bit hard to work up a huge ball of contempt for you, Philadelphia. We share so much: A history of progressive city legislation, vibrant musical heritages, and of course

I'm sorry, how did that get in here? Just as I was saying something nice! ... I forget my point now.

Problem is, your Phunions lie athwart the Fire's last, best chance at transcendence in 2015, and we, the humans who support this beleaguered franchise, need that transcendence like a smoker needs a drag from a cigarette 36 hours into cold turkey. WE NEED. We understand that you may need, too, fans of the-team-which-must-be-destroyed-because-destiny, but us Fire supporters, we're at that special place where the needs of other people just sort of recede into the background: We know what you're saying, but we still can't hear you because FIRE FIRE WE NEED THE FIRE TO WIN THIS DAMNED GAME.

So I hope Union fans understand that it's merely the eye-clawing need which drives me to point out that

- Rocky Balboa was a horse-faced palooka, even before getting his brain turned to oatmeal in the ring;

- The Constitutional Convention was an awesome time for the republic-that-was, but that ship has sailed right out of Port Oligarchy. If you're looking for actual founding documents for our actual rulers nowadays, they're mostly available out of a PO Box in Delaware;

- COMCAST IS FROM PHILADELPHIA.

NEED NEED NEED ... Next Wednesday, Philadelphia. US Open Cup semifinals. Next Wednesday, and forever.