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‘24 Players Polster Is Better Than’ pt. 1

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The MLS unveiled the first part of its ‘24 under 24’ and ranked Matt Polster at No. 20. This is far too low. I respond with a list about why their list is full of players not as good as Polster. Enjoy!

MLS: Toronto FC at Chicago Fire
Matt Polster was ranked far too low in ‘24 under 24.’ I respond with my counter list about why he is better than the MLS’ ‘24 under 24.’
Mike DiNovo-USA TODAY Sports

I didn’t want to have to do this MLS, but you leave me no choice.

Today, MLS unveiled the first part of its 24 under 24. If you recall, the Fire landed four players on the 50-man shortlist, including Matt Polster, Jonathan Campbell, Brandon Vincent and Rodrigo Ramos. When I saw the list I had one completely reasonable demand: rank Polster in the top-3.

So what does MLS do? They rank him No. 20! That kind of blatant disregard for the factual reality of Polster’s greatness has inspired me to make my own list. It is going to be called ‘24 Players Polster Is Better Than.’ And the list is going to be the EXACT same as the MLS ’24 under 24’ list only I am going to give you reasons why they are wrong and Polster is indeed better.

So if you came here to read nice things about Jordan Morris, I would suggest you head over to Sounder at Heart. Because I am here to tell you why Polster is better than everyone! Let’s do this.

24. Cristian Roldan, midfielder, Seattle Sounders

Oh great! At least two Sounders on this list. Sometimes I forget Seattle has a soccer team, so it’s a good thing MLS is here to remind me. At least MLS got this one right (and No. 23-21) Roldan is certainly not better than Polster. Roldan is best known for not being Clint Dempsey, Jordan Morris or Nicolas Lodeiro.

What the Scouts Say (completely in context)

Scout 1: He’s one that you don’t necessarily think he’s a great athlete.

Scout 2: He plays 90 minutes at 100 miles per hour.

If you’re running 100 mph, you are the greatest athlete of all time. One of these two is lying. I don’t think they’ve even watched him play.

23. Tommy Redding, defender, Orlando City

The 19-year-old center back made the list for being a top-prospect to watch because of his defensive prowess. Are we talking about the defensive prowess that has helped Orlando City give up a league-worst 53 goals!? Maybe he’ll be good one day, but I’m here to tell you being on a team giving up 53 goals is not Polster material.

What the Scouts Say (completely in context)

Scout: I feel like at the center back spot, you’re accountable on almost every goal that’s scored.

Wow. Way to throw him under the bus man.

22. Sean Davis, midfielder, New York Red Bulls

Two goals and two assists in August and New York is ready to crown him the next Dax McCarty. I’m not even sure if that is a compliment. I haven’t see him play much, but he’s played just enough to not be as good as Polster. Welcome to the list!

What the Scouts Say (completely in context)

Scout: "I watched him a lot in college – thought he was a good player, didn't think that would translate as well as it has so far."

There you have it folks. He’s an overachiever. We’ve seen the best Sean Davis we’ll ever see.

21. Cristian Higuita, midfielder/crazy person, Orlando City

I think we’ve hit our Cristian quota MLS. Higuita is so aggressive and frankly dangerous he makes Nigel de Jong look like Mother Theresa at times. If you consider total yellow/red card count into potential, then the sky is the limit for this psycho.

What the Scouts Say (completely in context)

Scout 1: I love him.

You sir, are a sociopath.

Scout 2: It seems like he’s got a really strong killer instinct.

Quite literally too. He’ll be in jail for manslaughter while Polster in winning the World Cup with the U.S.

20. Matt Polster, midfielder, Chicago Fire

Matt Polster can’t be better than Matt Polster. He’s ranked way too low. That’s the point of the exercise. Let’s get back to talking about why he is better than all these chumps.

What the Scouts Say (completely in context)

Scout: He's definitely one that can break into the national team on a regular basis and go to Europe.

Correct. Good job anonymous technical staff person.

19. Fatai Alashe, midfielder, San Jose Earthquakes

He was runner-up in the 2015 Rookie of the Year voting. He scored two goals and notched two assists that year. No matter how good people think he might be, he is destined for the abyss of anonymity that is San Jose.

What the Scouts Say (completely in context)

Scout 1: He chews up ground.

That’s an unhealthy habit that is going to cause digestive issues in the future.

Scout 2: If there's a weakness, it's in passing and keeping possession.

Cool. So he is bad at the thing he is paid to be good at. That should work out.

18. Tim Parker, defender, Vancouver Whitecaps

In 2015, when Parker played sparingly, Vancouver was one of the best teams in MLS. Now that the man who is desperately trying to look like Jeff Larentowicz plays regularly, Vancouver is in an unstoppable free fall. Coincidence? Absolutely not.

What the Scouts Say (completely in context)

Scout 1: Guys like that are not always the most gifted, most talented guys.

Ringing endorsement!

Scout 2: Even though he's a good athlete, and powerful, he can be slow on the turn.

Translation: He’s a good athlete who is actually not that good of an athlete.

17. Juan Agudelo, forward, New England Revolution

Despite playing what seems like 53 professional seasons of soccer, apparently Agudelo still has upside. Sure, he’ll score a triple back flip, bicycle kick goal once in a blue moon to remind you he exists, but then he’ll fail to score in the next 27 games.

What the Scouts Say (completely in context)

Scout: He's a mystery, I can't believe he's still under 24. He's been around forever.

This is a man who wants to see Agudelo’s birth certificate more than he wants to see him play soccer.

16. Jordan Allen, midfielder, Real Salt Lake

I actually really like Allen. He had a good game at Toyota Park last year. But you know what? I don’t like him more than Polster. I wish I had something more negative to say, but he is also boring, so it’s difficult.

What the Scouts Say (completely in context)

Scout: “I think he can be a player, if he continues to get more minutes and finding ways to be more consistent and effective with those minutes.

Translation: I think he can be a good player if he actually starts playing like a good player when he gets minutes.

Well that’s it for today folks. Check back tomorrow to see who else Polster is better than.