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‘24 Players Polster Is Better Than’ pt.2

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We scientifically proved Matt Polster’s superiority over No. 24 - 16 yesterday. Today, we take down No. 15 - 11.

MLS: Philadelphia Union at Chicago Fire
Who is Matt Polster better than today? Read to find out!
Mike DiNovo-USA TODAY Sports

We’re back again for part two of the completely factual ‘24 Players Polster Is Better Than’ list.

Still seething from ludicrous ranking of Matt Polster as the No. 20 player in MLS’s ‘24 under 24’ list, we are here to deliver another round of reasons why Polster is indeed better than all of them.

If you haven’t realized by now, this whole series is a bit tongue-in-cheek. Yes, Polster was ranked too low. No, I don’t think he is actually better than everyone on the list (he might be though). So Polster MIGHT BE best suited to be ranked somewhere around here.

BUT I’M NOT HERE TO TELL YOU ABOUT THAT!

I am here to tell you that Polster is better for one reason or another. So let’s continue.

15. Justen Glad, defender, Real Salt Lake

Pretty impressive to already have three pro seasons at 19 years old. Also pretty impressive to have not died playing center back in MLS at only 6’0” and 145 pounds! This is a league with monsters like the 6’5”, 190-pound Kendall Waston patrolling center defense. Glad is going to be crushed to dust one day when Steve Birnbaum goes up for a header in the box on a corner kick and erases the kid from this planet.

What the Scouts Say (completely in context)

Scout 1: “A player that plays bigger than his frame, bigger than his size.”

It is literally impossible to play smaller than 145 pounds. This is not an impressive compliment.

Scout 2: “We’ve seen some huge mistakes at times with some of his performances.”

That’s just really mean, man. Doesn’t sound like the 15th best U-24 player.

14. Luciano Acosta, midfielder, D.C. United

I actually think it is fun to watch Acosta play. He is quick, creative, flashy; all that fun stuff. He even has a very respectable three goals and nine assists in 27 matches. But come on, there has to be a reason he is not better than Polster ...

What the Scouts Say (completely in context)

Scout 1: “He doesn’t give a whole lot for you defensively.”

Oh yeah, that’s the reason.

Scout 2: “Listen, any time you get the No. 10 shirt at [Boca Juniors] you are different, you’re special. There’s a lot of weight that comes with that shirt.”

When you are only 130 pounds, EVERY shirt feels like 80 pounds of medieval armor.

13. Ronald Matarrita, left back, New York City FC

Ronald Matarrita is a “left back” that does two of three things Polster can do. He can score and he can assist. What he can’t do very well is defend, which if you ask me, is important for a defender. MLS Team of the Week loves him. I refuse to acknowledge his accomplishments as a left back because he is actually a midfielder.

What the Scouts Say (completely in context)

Scout 1: "He's very one-footed at this point.”

Did diabetes take his other foot? We may never know.

Same Scout: “He's been very good on the attacking side of the ball as a left back, but they've also conceded a lot of goals. Is it all him?”

I’m so glad you asked! The answer is yes. It is definitely all him.

12. Diego Fagundez, midfielder, New England Revolution

I don’t have anything bad to say about Fagundez. He has played in almost 150 MLS games and has 32 goals and 23 assists. So my beef with this is that he is not a prospect. Even though he is 21, he is what he is. This is a list of prospects! Get off this list!

What the Scouts Say (completely in context)

Scout 1: “I know he’s got the Uruguayan in him.”

The Uruguayan? Like he literally has a person from Uruguay in him? How do you know this?

Scout 2: “He can drift out of games.”

Are we sure he is drifting out of games and not the Uruguayan living inside him?

11. Walker Zimmerman, defender, FC Dallas

What a great name, right? So he is a really good center back. He does literally everything very well for his age. But he was on the Olympic qualifying roster with Polster and did not make any appearances. Therefore, by default, Polster is better.

What the Scouts Say (completely in context)

Scout 1: “He’s certainly having a good year.”

Yeah. I guess he is. Pretty good analysis. But he still did not appear in the Olympic qualifying games Polster did. Which, I know they didn’t qualify, but whatever.

In conclusion, Polster is still better than this list. Come back tomorrow to see who Polster is also better than!