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‘24 Players Polster Is Better Than’ the finale

We got a little pushed behind, but we go through the rest of the ‘24 under 24’ list to show you that really only Cyle Larin is a threat to Polster’s throne as the best prospect in all the land.

MLS: Philadelphia Union at Chicago Fire
Matt Polster is seen here playing better soccer than Roland Alberg. Not surprising.
Mike DiNovo-USA TODAY Sports

Did you think we would really let MLS get away with ranking 10 players under 24 years old ahead of Matt Polster?

Of course not! So it’s a day late, but blame that on my job that pays me money to not write about soccer. The important thing is we are here now and we will go through the final 10 in this completley inaccurate ‘24 under 24’ list.

It’s been a fun journey thus far and we have some doozies to close it out including Matt Polster’s very own Lex Luthor, Wil Trapp. I mean, come on MLS. They play the same position pretty much only one guy is definitely NOT in Columbus so it should have been a no brainer.

Anyways. Let’s get to it one last time.

10. Lucas Melano, forward, Portland Timbers

Talk about not living up to the hype. Melano came to Portland with plenty of fanfare because he was born in the same country as Lionel Messi, but it turns out, Melano is not Messi despite sharing the same first two letters in their last names. Honestly, it’s hard not to call Melano a disappointment to this point in his MLS career.

What the scouts say (in complete context)

Scout 1: “He's not the most clinical finisher for a guy who gets behind as much as he does.”

Sometimes scouts know what they are talking about. Clinical finishing is kind of important for a forward.

Scout 2: "A guy that fast, with his skill, I think you expect more.”

Two scouts confirming he is a total underachiever. Good enough for #10 on ‘24 under 24’ though! Good job on the list MLS!

9. Jesse Gonzalez, goalkeeper, FC Dallas

I mean really, MLS? First the incredibly underachieving Melano and now a backup goalkeeper? You are telling me a backup goalkeeper is better than Matt Polster? This list is high. Chris Seitz is better than Gonzalez!

What the scouts say (in complete context)

Scout 1: “I would say if there’s one critique, it’s almost that he’s too casual.”

Learn the dress code, kid. No flip flops. And get better than Chris Seitz before you claim you’re better than Matt Polster. Geez.

8. Carlos Gruezo, midfielder, FC Dallas

We get it MLS. FC Dallas has a good young players. For real, this guy is pretty darn good. I don’t have too much negative to say about this other than he is listed too low. He should be No. 3 probably, behind Matt Polster of course, and probably Cyle Larin. But #8 is ridiculous.

Scout 1:He seems like he has a workman-like mentality, and that’s not always the case [for players] coming from Ecuador.”

Wanna a side of Skittles with that racism sir? Way to call Ecuadorans lazy.

Scout 2: “Arguably the most talented young player in the league for me.”

Let’s not go crazy here, but he is certainly better than eight.

7. Wil Trapp, midfielder, Columbus Crew

Oh boy, here we go. I get Trapp was a hot prospect at one time but I am telling you right now, unironically, I think Polster is a better prospect for defensive midfielder at this point. From the time the two have come on to the scene, I’ve seen more growth in Polster than Trapp and that’s just the truth. Also, that’s not how you spell Will.

What the scouts say (completely in context)

Scout 1: “He’ll leave more of a mark on an MLS game than on an Under-23 game.”

Because he does not have the skill to leave a mark on a game at the international level.

Scout 2: The challenge with Wil Trapp is, can he stay healthy?

No. Now let’s move on.

6. Keegan Rosenberry, defender, Philadelphia Union.

I think Rosenberry is absolutely fantastic. He is another guy I have a hard time saying anything bad about. I really like Johan Kappelhof at right back, but I wouldn’t say no to Rosenberry is all I’m saying. Keegan is kind of a stupid name though (unless you, the reader, is named Keegan. Then I love it. Please keep reading).

What the scouts say (completely in context)

Scout 1: "He's been fearless.”

Well he is playing soccer, which requires very little courage. He’s not running into a burning orphanage to save children. So that’s certainly a unique adjective to use.

Scout 2: “I look at our national team and now you're playing Geoff Cameron at ...”

I’m not even going to post the rest of this thought. You DO NOT put Rosenberry and Cameron in the same sentence in any context you lunatic. Settle down.

5. Kekuta Manneh, forward, Vancouver Whitecaps

If I had to pick a soccer player from MLS to try and beat Usain Bolt in a race, this would be my pick. So congrats for that. But if I had to pick an MLS soccer player to score a goal, this would not be my pick. He is paid to score. He’s not that great at it. So ...

What the scouts say (completely in context)

Scout 1: "He's still very temperamental.”

So he is a fast guy that can’t score and loses his temper? Sounds like the fifth best ‘24 under 24’ prospect to me!

Scout 2: “You can put him on a poor team, and he'd still be effective. He needs to receive balls in areas of the field where he can be effective."

What!? You can put him on a crap team and he’ll be awesome BUT he also needs great players to feed him the ball properly to be effective? That makes no sense at all.

4. Kellyn Acosta, midfielder, FC Dallas

I swear to god MLS, put one more FC Dallas player on this stupid list. Look, Acosta is great. Really great. But I’m over it because I’m so sick of seeing Dallas players pop up on here. I’m just jealous.

What the scouts say (completely in context)

Scout 1: “He’s tough and he fights.”

That sounds like a great scouting report for maybe a hockey player and definitely an MMA fighter, but I kinda think that might be a detriment to a soccer career. Fisticuffs are frowned upon.

Scout 2: “I wouldn’t slot him in as a US starter at this point.”

Hi Jurgen! How’s it going?

3. Jordan Morris, forward, Seattle Sounders.

I’ll just leave this here without comment.

What the scouts say (completely in context)

Scout 1: "People talk sometimes about him not finishing the chances.”

People do in fact talk about this. Probably because he doesn’t finish chances.

Scout 2: "He's still a baby.”

OK, come on. There is plenty of things to criticize Morris for, but I don’t think Clint Dempsey is changing diapers in the locker room. Morris is at LEAST, like, 12 or 13.

2. Jack Harrison, midfielder, New York City FC

All you need to know about Jack Harrison is that he was not good enough to even make the Chicago Fire. If he was, why would they have traded him? Clearly, not as good as Polster or the team would’ve kept him, I’m sure.

What the scouts say (completely in context)

Scout 1: “It helps when you're playing with David Villa, Frank Lampard and those guys.”

It certainly does. Harrison is probably crap. Let’s be honest.

Scout 2: “If he wants to [go], I'd be surprised if in three or four years he's not gone back to Europe with the European passport."

How the hell else would he get there? With an African passport? What an idiot.

1. Cyle Larin, forward, Orlando City SC

All joking aside, this is the man who I could concede is better than Polster. He is phenomenal and I kinda love him. It’s goals on goals with this guy, but he is not perfect. His name, Kyle, starts with a C, which is weird and he is from Canada, which is also weird. So there are definitely some negatives still.

What the scouts say (completely in context)

Scout 1: Is he too nice a kid? Is it a Canadian thing?

What would you like him to do? Rob a convenience store? I think he is probably a fine human being if that is your only concern.

Scout 2: “I know he’s not American right, he’s Canadian.”

Right. He has no real reason to take a knee during his national anthem because his country doesn’t have the same police force/race relation issues we do. Whoops! This is supposed to be fun. Disregard that. Cyle Larin and Matt Polster are both awesome.

Well it’s been fun everyone. I hope we could all go down this journey together and realize Matt Polster is at the very least, the second best ‘24 under 24’ player. I know I’ve enjoyed trashing most everyone on this list. It was fun.

Go Fire!