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MLS Weekend Hatewatch: Punch-Drunk Soccer

Toronto won the shield, Philly won a game, and some guy wore a Black Panther mask

MLS: Minnesota United FC at Houston Dynamo Troy Taormina-USA TODAY Sports

I’m going to level with you guys. I’ve had a really long few weeks, I had to do matchday coverage for the Fire and the Red Stars this weekend, and I just woke up from a nap that went way too long. I’m going to be phoning this one in. (You know, like the Fire did on Saturday night.) If you want analysis and insight... I don’t know, man. Go read Matt Doyle or something.

Toronto FC 4-2 New York Red Bulls

Toronto won the Supporters’ Shield. The game itself doesn’t matter. The Fire wanted to win the Shield, they were in a good position to get it earlier in the season, but they fucked up and now fucking Toronto has it. Great. Super.

Columbus Crew 2-0 DC United

Congratulations, Yellow Fucking Team. You beat fucking DC United. I bet y’all want cookies. Or whatever acrid slop passes for a treat where you people live.

Philadelphia Union 2-0 Seattle Sounders

lol sounders

New England Revolution 0-0 Atlanta United

Atlanta dropped points! Finally! Too bad the Fire couldn’t take advantage of it.

Anyway the game was boring as shit. You didn’t miss much.

Houston Dynamo 2-1 Minnesota United

The mask thing was the only interesting thing that happened in this game. It’s also the only thing MLS Twitter talked about last night. Whatever.