The season’s over! We’re freeeeeee!

<Sean comes in to tell me there’s still playoffs>

Aw fuck.

Well, today was still the last day of the regular season. Decision Day 2: Dark Vengeance settled all the other decisions that weren’t made last week.

All the games happened simultaneously while I was looking at the Fire embarrassing themselves, and I still had to make dinner and do laundry tonight, so if you came here expecting insightful analysis I got some bad news for you.

Here’s all the primo bullshit that happened yesterday.

Atlanta United 2-2 Toronto FC

Atlanta came this fucking close to getting the #2 seed. That’s just unacceptable. Thank you Toronto, I guess.

DC United 1-2 New York Red Bulls

RFK deserved a better sendoff than having its team lost 2-1 and down to 10 men. What a shitshow DCU have been this season.

New York City FC 2-2 Columbus Crew

I’m going to go easy on Columbus, as they’ve had a hard week. What bugs me is that the Fire had a golden opportunity to jump into the #2 slot with NYCFC dropping points and they couldn’t do it. Bleh.

San Jose Earthquakes 3-2 Minnesota United

San Jose needed to win to earn a playoff spot tonight. Fortunately for them, they were playing Minnesota.

The Quakes are also breaking a 5-year playoff drought, along with the Fire. That... just makes me feel dirty about qualifying now.

Portland Timbers 2-1 Vancouver Whitecaps

I’ll be honest, I have a ton of respect for Portland after this season. They started off strong, stumbled hard in the middle, and clawed their way back to win the #1 spot in the West. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer bunch of guys. (Better them than Seattle or LA, anyway.)

FC Dallas 5-1 LA Galaxy

lol