So I did some digging and it turns out that US Soccer is continuing to hold USOC games, despite the fact that the Fire were knocked out in the previous round. Weird, right? This just seems extremely rude to me, to be quite honest.

I’ve sent some Strongly Worded Emails to Sunil Gulati to express our collective displeasure at this mockery of a tournament. I’ll let you know what he says once he gets back to me. (Assuming a judge doesn’t put me under a gag order.) In the meantime, he’s all the crazy shit that went down in the Quarterfinals.

Out Of Gas

According to recent research, astronomers have a new hypothesis for why galaxies die— strangulation. Basically, all the hydrogen and helium seeps out of the galaxy, which means the fuel needed to form new stars isn’t there. Without those life-giving gasses, the galaxy chokes to death. I’ll let you fill in the blanks on this particular metaphor as it pertains to the LA Galaxy’s 3-2 loss to Caliclasico rivals San Jose. Smarter people than me have their own ideas on the causes of the Galaxy’s collapse— both in the sky in SoCal— but you have to imagine that this is a low point for them. I mean it can’t get any worse. Right?

So THAT Happened

You ever check the box score of a game after it’s over and think, “what in the everloving fuck happened here?” Welcome to #SKCvFCD, my friends. Three red cards (two for Dallas and one for KC), seven yellow cards, and all three goals came in extra time. Lit doesn’t even come close to describing this hot mess. Sporting Kansas City won the night 3-0, but I feel like Dallas deserves some medals just for surviving this batshit game. I’ve been trying to come up with words to adequately talk about this and I... I got nothin’. Watch the highlights. Tell someone you love them. Pray for guidance.

When The Levee Breaks

Hey Fire fans— tell me if this looks familiar.

The last two sub-MLS teams were supposed to fight each other for a spot in the semifinals and maybe, just maybe, go on to make some USOC history. And then an ancient curse befell the Sunshine State and Miami was plunged into the middle of chaos and fury. The massive storm that rolled through the area put this QF tie on hold. At press time a replay date hasn’t been set— we’ll let you know when that information is available.

The Slow Jam

It says something about this round— and maybe this whole tournament— that a game with a red card, six yellow cards, and an at-the-death gamewinner was the most boring match of the set. Such is the peculiar context in which we approach New England vs NYRB. Trademark feistiness aside, the game was a bit of a slow. Riiiiight up until BWP won it for the Energy Drinks in the 87th minute. Don’t be surprised to see the Red Bulls pull another rabbit out of their hats in the semis and book a ticket for the big dance.