It was a bad weekend for Soccer in Chicago and a bad weekend for America. The Fire’s loss in Ohio was compounded by Eastern Conference rivals having fun in the sun, while the defending champions out West seem to have gotten their shit together. Let’s take a break from punching Nazis to catalogue all the ways MLS let us down this weekend.

Toronto FC 4-1 Portland Timbers

I didn’t expect Portland to be able to get a point on the road against the best team in the league, but even so, this was demoralizing. A quiet first half gave some hope that the Timbers could get out of Canada with a point, but just before the hour mark the floodgates broke. Four Toronto goals— three in the last twenty minutes— were enough to give the Reds all three points and pad out their lead over the Fire and NYC. Shameful.

New York Red Bulls 3-1 Orlando City

And then there’s THESE assholes. Everytime I expect the Red Bulls to slide into mediocrity and irrelevance, Bradley Wright-Philips remembers he’s good at the soccers. With an hour gone and the score level (RBNY were gifted their equalizer with an own goal by Leo Pereira), BWP put his team ahead and continued his hot streak. Sean Davis gave the Energy Drinks some insurance in the 80th minute and Kaká got himself sent off in stoppage time with some hot hands-to-face action. The last thing we need— as Fire fans and MLS followers— is a Red Bull team that’s actually good. It’s bad for soccer and bad for America, and those of us who value freedom need to speak out against it.

Seattle Sounders 1-0 Sporting Kansas City

Ooooh look at me I’m Clint Dempsey I just scored my 50th goal for the Sounders.

Fucker.

LA Galaxy 0-2 New York City FC

On the one hand, I’m kinda loving the fact that the Galaxy suck now. They could win the Wooden Spoon this year! OTOH, it would’ve been really nice if they stopped being abject failures long enough to keep NYCFC in check. But noooooooooo they had to go and get beat 2-0 at home by Fake Man City. The worst part was both of NYC’s goals were fucking incredible. Look at this shit! Just, ugh. Anyway, NYC bumped the Fire out of second place in the East. Everything is bad.

DC United 0-1 Real Salt Lake

So they tried to have a soccer game in DC on Saturday night. It didn’t go very well.

Womp Womp.

They ended postponing the thing and retrying on Sunday night, kicking off from the 28th minute. I think they would’ve been better just abandoning the fixture and awarding both teams a point, because other than that neat goal from Luis Silva the resumed game was boring as shit.

I’m providing a service here, you see; watching awful games so you don’t have to. The things I do for you people.