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MLS Weekend Hatewatch: Everything is stupid and wrong and bad

But at least Columbus still sucks

MLS: New England Revolution at New York City FC Brad Penner-USA TODAY Sports

Ugh. Just, ugh. Everyone in the Eastern Conference keeps doing well for themselves right when the Fire start sucking again. Can we just, like, cancel the rest of the season? No?

Fucking fuck.

Fine, here’s the weekend in MLS. Ugh.

Portland Timbers 2-0 New York Red Bulls

This game wasn’t, like, boring? But I still spent long stretches of the game waiting for something to happen that wasn’t rough fouls or missed chances. Literally the first 65 minutes were just like,

That last half hour was preeeeeetty nice. Diego Valeri did his usual thing, the Pink Cows came roaring back in the last 10 minutes with Portland down a man, somehow the visitors managed not to score, and then the Timbers sealed the deal right at the end of stoppage time with Luis Robles caught out. A fun ending that slowed a Conference rival’s roll.

Montreal Impact 3-1 Real Salt Lake

Aw fuck, are Montreal good again? Are we really at that point now? Can we just not do this? I don’t want to follow a league where Montreal are good again. I wasn’t expecting a whole lot from RSL but god damn this was bad. Freakin’ Piatti. L’Impact put RSL to L’sword and in so doing hopped over Atlanta in the Conference standings to get into a playoff spot for the first time in whenever. Shit fuck piss.

Orlando City 1-1 Columbus Crew

lol

(In all seriousness, this was an awful game to watch but the result was Peachy Keen. Two playoff rivals dropping points and losing morale. More of this please.)

New York City FC 2-1 New England Revolution

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: I am a messy bitch who loves drama. It’s the only way I can justify being happy that NYCFC won. The Revs were on course to get a 1-0 win in enemy territory and then gleefully pissed it all away. I mean, yeah, David Villa, we get it. But the Revs really should’ve done more to hang on to the lead. Giving up a late equalizer and then a gamewinner in the slimy beer dregs of stoppage time is just too delicious a serving of schadenfreude to refuse. (And yes, the result hurts the Fire in the short and medium run, but CF97 could also just, like, not keep punching themselves in the face. Just a thought!)

Seattle Sounders 2-1 Minnesota United

Look, I gotta level with you: I didn’t see this game until a few hours ago. It was a Sunday night West Coast kickoff, I was already tired, and there was that new episode of Game Of Thrones to get through. I got some ice cream, got all up in my feelings about dragons and shit, and then went the fuck to sleep. You would’ve done the same thing. I don’t care if you lie to me but don’t lie to yourself.

But I watched this during breakfast earlier today and... I mean look, Minnesota kinda suck and Seattle are the defending champions. What did you think was going to happen? It was funny as hell seeing MNUFC take the lead in the first half but we all knew it wasn’t going to last. Chad Marshall (lol) equalized like ten minutes later and then Clint Dempsey buried a PK deep in stoppage time, because of course the fucking Sounders would get a late stoppage time penalty.

Anyway, Minnesota have to deal with us next, they’ll be het up and bitter over this weekend in Seattle and the Fire kinda suck now. So, yeah.