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MLS Weekend Hatewatch: So Much Brand Activation

Conversions are through the roof!

MLS: New York City FC at New York Red Bulls Brad Penner-USA TODAY Sports

It’s Heineken Presents Heineken MLS Rivalry Week Presented By Heineken! Rivalries! Heineken! All in one week!

Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Rivalry Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Rivalry Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken Heineken

Whatever, let’s kick this pig.

New York Red Bulls 1-1 New York City FC

Ok so, A of all, oh my FUCKING GOD if I hear one more thing about NYCFC having to play one fucking game in Connecticut I’m just going to shut this whole goddamn league down.

NYCFC can go fuck themselves but seriously it’s ONE GODDAMN GAME. Also y’all play in New Jersey. Sit the fuck down.

EVERYBODY’S GOT JOKES.

A n y w a y, NYCFC should’ve won it with Maximiliano Morález’ goal in the 56th minute but they gave up a stupid penalty 15 minutes later. A draw may have been the best they could’ve hoped for, but they were in a position to win it and they couldn’t do it. It’s great for the Fire, since they dropped points, but sheesh this team can be so bad sometimes.

Real Salt Lake 4-1 Colorado Rapids

I really wanted to make fun of this Rocky Mountain Cup they played for this weekend but then I remembered the Brimstone Cup is still a thing we all care about. So.

Anyway, did you know that Real Salt Lake are starting to get good again? Fucked up, right? They were near the bottom of the Western Conference at the Gold Cup break and now they’re right below the red line. They say teams sometimes get a boost when the manager is sacked; maybe that’s also true when the boss loses his mind? It’s also possible RSL just benefited from Tim Howard being really, really bad.

So yeah, RSL are back, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Montreal Impact 1-3 Toronto FC

Uuuuuuuuuugh.

It used to be that I felt obliged to follow Toronto games because they were our rival in the Supporters’ Shield race. We had to track their movements. But the Fire have fallen so far now that it doesn’t really matter what TFC do anymore. We’ll never catch them. We have a rivalry with Toronto the same way Martin Shkreli has a rivalry with Satan. Whole other planes of existence.

If anything we need to worry more about Montreal at this point. They’re right below the red line. They’re the ones we have to stay ahead of now if we still want to make the playoffs.

Do you have any idea how fucking depressing it was to write that just now? Jesus Fucking Christ.

ANYWAY, Toronto won easily and it was probably the best we could’ve hoped for. Gag me.

LA Galaxy 0-3 San Jose Quakes

lol

Losing 3-0 at home to the Quakes— while playing most of the second half with 10 men— is pretty fucking great. Going 10 straight league games without a win is truly a light in these dark times. Keep it up, Galaxy!

Seattle Sounders 1-1 Portland Timbers

Whatever, I don’t care anymore. I don’t even like Heineken.