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MLS Weekend Hatewatch, Week 2: We’re Going The Wrong Way

Portland sucks now (apparently), LAFC is looking scary, and DCU is pants

MLS: Portland Timbers at New York Red Bulls Vincent Carchietta-USA TODAY Sports

So Sean filled in for me on MLS Hatewatch last week; it was my birthday and I was going to be too deep in a drunken stupor to log on to Major League Soccer Soccer Dot Com. Getting the weekend off on the annual occasion of my entrance into this awful and broken world was a lovely gift indeed.

But last weekend, and this lengthy offseason, also broke my heart. Because it offered a vision of a life where I don’t have to watch MLS games and write about them just to spare you, gentle reader, the indignity and embarrassment of doing that yourself. For one brief and beautiful moment, infused with fancy cocktails and this lovely new glitter nailpolish I picked up, I was free.

It was not to last.

Maybe it’s best this way. Having to come back to MLS Hatewatch for yet another season is really a microcosm of being an MLS fan. And if nothing else, MLS has taught me one thing in life: it’s the hope that kills you.

Ugh, fine, let’s do this.

Columbus Crew 3-2 Montreal Impact

Ugggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

<looks at scoreline, sees that Gyasi Zardes got two goals for Columbus>

UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Real Salt Lake 1-5 Los Angeles FC

LAFC have won both of their first two games— first against last year’s MLS Cup runners-up, then this weekend against an RSL team that’s stumbled in recent years but can still be tough to break down. But RSL melted like god damn butter on god damn popcorn on Saturday, shipping five goals and resisting the urge to lie down and wait for death. (Which, I mean, Big Mood.) Why. Why does this team have to be good.

Oh that’s right. Bob Bradley.

New York Red Bulls 4-0 Portland Timbers

Ok so first of all, let’s talk about THIS nonsense.

I’m going to level with you: when I saw this tweet I laughed so fucking hard that I had to run to the bathroom. It was A Scene. Not even kidding.

And then I thought about all the Timbers players on that bus looking around and wondering if someone should say something and I started laughing uncontrollably again.

It took me like the better part of two hours to finally calm down enough to write this section. What a world.

Anyway the Timbers shipped four goals against the Energy Drinks and it made me sad (bus shenanigans notwithstanding). I hope the Timbers can get it together soon. Seeing them be this hapless makes me feel bad.

(Also: abolish the police.)

Atlanta United 3-1 DC United

The ONE TIME I pull for DC United and they fuck it up.

All they had to do was Not Lose to Atlanta, something that was totally doable given their one-on-one record. But nooooooooo, they just laid down and died instead. Even before those back-to-back goals late in the second half, DCU were well and truly out of it. This was shambolic.

(Also, can we maybe put machine gun goal celebrations on the shelf for a while?)

New York City FC 2-1 Los Angeles Galaxy

Honestly I’m just here for the continued collapse of the Galaxy.

(Ashley Cole’s second yellow card in particular was very <chef’s kiss emoji>)

For real though, remember when people were all “the Galaxy are back baby!!” and now, no.

But whatever, it’s only Week 2 and the Galaxy have plenty of time to get their shit together. <stares pointedly at the Fire>