Ugh whatever let’s do this thing.

DC United 2-2 Houston Dynamo

So the game was whatever, but it was notable for being the start of DCU’s temporary stint at the Maryland SoccerPlex.

I don’t think it’s a big deal, commute notwithstanding, but some folks were Mad Online about it. Including former CF97 legend DaMarcus Beasley.

Welcome to being an NWSL fan, buddy.

Montreal Impact 1-0 Toronto FC

Submitted for your amusement:

Philadelphia Union 0-0 Columbus Crew

I didn’t get to watch this game because it overlapped with Fires, but apparently I wasn’t alone.

lol

As for the game itself: <loud wet fart noise that lasts for a thousand years>

New York City 2-0 Orlando City

So I hate both of these teams, obviously, but I do like games like this one. What I mean is, I like games that are evenly balanced and the breakthrough has to come with one team making a mistake.

Here, the game was scoreless and tens for more than an hour, and the balance tipped when Joe Bendik borked a pass and Ismael Tajouri took advantage. Maxi Moralez scored again 12 minutes later, but really that first goal is when the game was decided.

Even games with bad teams— in terms of technical ability or moral character— can be fun when they’re bad in ways that play off each other.

(Yes I know NYCFC are top of the Eastern Conference. I don’t care.)

Sporting Kansas City 3-2 San Jose Earthquakes

I’m sharing this primarily because Wondo scored a late goal and the Quakes still lost. Mmm, spite tastes so good.

Atlanta United 4-1 Vancouver Whitecaps

I hate that Atlanta are so good. I hate that Josef Martinez can post hatties like it’s nothing. I hate everything about this.

BONUS: Clint Dempsey’s Nutshot

lmfao