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MLS Weekend Hatewatch, Week 7: Whaaaaaatever

End-to-end soccer by teams bursting with talent and intent? There’s some here, and pfeh, who needs it

MLS: New York City FC at Atlanta United FC Jason Getz-USA TODAY Sports

As we shudder through yet another once-every-5,000-years weather event (now appearing monthly!), and the chief executive ponders provoking a Constitutional crisis, hey ho lookie there IT IS SOCCER.

Atlanta United 2, New York City FC 2

Whhhhaaatever. An end-to-end thrillfest by two teams with distinct tactical identities in front of a packed, rollicking stadium, if you’re into that sort of thing. Atlanta took the lead twice, New York pegged them back twice, the last time through Alex Ring’s 73rd-minute ring-the-bell golazo. David Villa returned for the Pigeons, while ballyhooed offseason signing Ezequiel Barco made his first appearance for the Five Stripes, which gave me a chance to use a phrase (‘ballyhooed offseason signing’) that we’d otherwise have put in deep storage here on the Fire desk.

Sporting Kansas City 2, Seattle Sounders 2

Sunday’s draw festival kicked off in Missouri Kansas Missouri frigid Kansas City, where the visiting Sounders clawed out their first point of the young season. Will Bruin’s very scrappy goal in first-half injury time broke Seattle’s five-plus hour scoreless streak.

San Jose Earthquakes 2, Houston Dynamo 2

Yeah these teams played - there’s a record of it and everything. The former Quakes tied the current Quakes in the Remember These Are Franchises Bowl - good times. It was kinda like watching formerly conjoined twins playing tennis, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Portland Timbers 3, Minnesota United 2

We know these guys! They’ve each beaten us already! Alvas Powell scored one and assisted one in a torrid 3-minute stretch to give the Timbers a two-goal lead and give Timber Joey an ultra-rare Log Backlog. Darwin Quintero tightened things up with a goal that, translated from the original Etruscan, reads “The Chicago Fire should’ve paid the money for me, son.”

New England Revolution 0, FC Dallas 1

Is it possible to be a less impressive undefeated team than Dallas? The Toros were again less than inspired for most of the match - although some of that was the play of the host Revs, who controlled possession and created a few great looks at goal. But Dallas didn’t panic, staying compact and looking for breaks, and got one in the first-ever goal for Jacori Hayes.

DC United 1, Columbus Crew 0

Columbus enjoys its second straight week of badly outplaying a previously winless team on the road, only for the winless team to somehow squeak out the win. The good news for the Crew is that they’re underlying fundamentals are solid - they’re just spectacularly unlucky right now. The good news for DC is pretty much everything, with their first win to go along with the incipient opening of their new stadium, rumors of a big new investor, and talk about high-profile reinforcements after the World Cup.