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MLS Weekend Hatewatch, Week 9: I Hate The 90s

LAFC get their home debut, Atlanta and Orlando keep rolling, & more

MLS: Seattle Sounders at Los Angeles FC Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

The Galaxy held their 90s Throwback night over the weekend, replete with bad MLS 1.0 crests (though the players wore their standard modern kits and crests, which frankly represents a weakness of conviction) and wacky colors and.. pogs?... and... JNCOs??? Do they even sell those anymore?

Anyway MLS is insufferable enough even without bad 90s nostalgia. You know what else the 90s had? Shitty Blackhawks hockey. That stupid haircut that every other dude had. Fucking Newt Gingrich. You want to CELEBRATE that shit? Saints alive.

Anyway here’s some soccer or whatever.

Atlanta United 4-1 Montreal Impact

Fucking hell, Montreal. You were beating Atlanta for most of the game. Atlanta. On the road. And you blew it in the last 20 minutes. Buncha poseurs.

Moral of the story: Just hire the 21 Thunder guys next time. They can’t be any worse than the IRL version.

Also, Kevin Kratz scored two FK goals that were pretty nice, I guess.

Philadelphia Union 3-2 DC United

So hey, Philly remembered how to score again. That’s cool, I guess. None of the goals came from David Accam but... I mean, whatever, right? You won! And you beat DCU, which, lol.

LA Galaxy 2-3 New York Red Bulls

This game had the Galaxy go 0-2 down, then the Red Bulls pissed the lead away, THEN the Galaxy lost the thing with a late penalty kick. So if you cultivate hate in your heart for both teams— and I do— this is a surprisingly satisfying result.

(Zlatan getting Big Mad over having a goal disallowed was also pretty nice.)

Colorado Rapids 1-2 Orlando City

I’m really kind of over Orlando coming from behind to win. It’s turning into a Hulk Hogan sort of thing. Just lose a game already, jeez.

Los Angeles FC 1-0 Seattle Sounders

You know, I was going to write about the game itself (which was bad, these teams have tons of money and they still play like DC United) and maybe the ridiculous new stadium home opener vibes. But then the fans started doing The Chant midway through the first half and I just checked out.

Fuck everyone in that stadium who did that chant. I hope some day every one of you feels even a fraction of the discomfort and lowkey panic I feel every time I have to listen to thousands of soccer fans yell that slur.