A fun thing about MLS— for certain values of “fun”— is how quickly narratives can just completely unspool. They don’t even explode or go up in a blaze of guilty, just some big wet farts. Remember when LAFC was supposed to be unstoppable? Or when the Revs were supposed to be awful? Remember zLAtan and the Galaxy’s big impending turnaround?

Yeah, no.

New England Revolution 4-0 Montreal Impact

Wait, what? The Revs played good soccer? That can’t be right.

For real though, I can’t tell if the Revs had a good night or if the Impact were just really, really awful. I want to say the latter, because I allow so little joy in these weekly columns. But I could be wrong, maybe the Massholes just did good at the soccers.

(Oh hey guys, since you’re obviously capable of playing well without Lee Nguyen...)

Atlanta United 5-0 Los Angeles FC

It’s the Irresistible Force versus... the... other Irresistible Force? Or something? I don’t man, writing is hard.

So anyway, LAFC got their first genuine spanking in franchise history against the team likely most capable of delivering it. I feel like this game was closer than the scoreline suggested; three of ATL’s five goals came very late, at which point LA had basically thrown in the towel. For much of the game the visitors were still in it, even at 2-0 down in the second half. Shipping five goals is definitely unpleasant, but I don’t think this is necessarily an indictment of the team. They’re still pretty good, this was just a weird week.

ATL UTD is no joke, though.

Real Salt Lake 2-1 Vancouver Whitecaps

This was such a weird game. All three goals came very late in their respective halves, and the rest of the game was decisively Meh. Whereas ATL vs LAFC felt much closer than the scoreline suggest, here the score flattered both teams. RSL pretty much had to Win Ugly this week— not unlike the Fire— so in that respect it was a great night for them. But, bleh. Winning Ugly sucks when it’s not your team, you know?

Orlando City 3-2 Portland Timbers

What the hell, Portland? Up two goals after an hour and then you ship three in the last two minutes. Got beat by Dom Dwyer, of all people. Sort your shit out. It’s embarrassing.

LA Galaxy 0-2 Sporting Kansas City

More like LOLGalaxy, amirite?