I’m going to be honest here— I missed most of the Saturday games. I made the executive decision to watch the Eurovision Final instead. I am not sorry for this. If MLS had more glitter and was at least 40% gayer then maybe I would’ve prioritized that.

Thankfully all the halfway decent games were on Sunday, so, get ready for some hot fucking takes. Some of which will be about the lack of glitter.

Anyway here’s some soccer, which does not have as much glitter as I would like.

Minnesota United 1-3 San Jose Earthquakes

Oh, Minnesota. I can’t even muster any snark for you right now. It’s all just too sad.

FC Dallas 3-2 Los Angeles Galaxy

Sometimes I have to just stop and marvel at how utterly fucked the Galaxy are.

And it’s not going to get better! No one in a decision-making capacity at Stub-Hub is going anywhere! Bad decisions will continue to be made! No one will be held accountable! And so it is that you’ll have a team with fucking Zlatan on it that still manages to miss the playoffs. I’m almost impressed. Truly.

Portland Timbers 1-0 Seattle Sounders

When did Cascadia Derbies become so boring? Is it just when Brian Schmetzer took over and the Sounders started parking the bus all the time? Does it go further back than that? Whatever the case, this game did not live up to the hype. Were it not for Sebastian Blanco this whole thing would’ve ended as a goalless draw. Groan.

Orlando City 1-2 Atlanta United

I’m just glad Orlando didn’t get another come-from-behind win this week. It looked dicey for a bit, but their luck finally ran out. Thank fuck.

Los Angeles FC 2-2 New York City FC

Ok this one was actually pretty fun. Seriously, if you’re able to catch a replay, do so. The result was fair and the game was entertaining.

Also I’m still on the Ismael Tajouri-Shradi Hype Train.